If you've been my friend for more than five seconds on Facebook, you may have noticed that I love to dispense parenting advice. What you may not know is that this passion springs from something more than my need to be a bossy, patronizing know it all. Although to be fair, that's probably about two thirds of my motivation.

Photo Courtesy of Achim Soelter Photgraphy

Long before I became a parent, I worked for more than a decade in childcare, teaching and behavioral therapy. I primarily worked with preschool and kindergarten aged children. I have done pretty much everything from infant to teenager, from changing diapers to teaching mythology to disenfranchised and grumpy fifteen-year olds. I've even done several years in higher education teaching adults. So when I launch myself into two paragraph diatribes about logical consequences, I come at it with the passion of a professional who has dabbled in parenting.

I'd like to pass along some of the best advice in caring for children that I ever received.

I was seventeen years old, a freshman in college, and I'd just completed my first full shift at my work study job. I'd secured a position as a classroom aide at a campus preschool because I was the oldest of four in my family. But I had been completely unprepared for the chaos and emotional drama that comes with managing a room full of demanding, manic little people. The director of the center took me aside and she gave me the following three pieces of advice. It is still, hands down, the best advice I have ever received not only in working with children but also in managing people in any environment. And it propelled me to an unexpected but successful career, which I found deeply rewarding and enjoyable.

Don't worry. If you're still in need of advice after reading this, I'm always available to leave lengthy, unsolicited comments on your Facebook wall.

1: GET DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL

This isn't a metaphor when applied to children. It's literal. Kneel down. We know the importance of eye contact in relationships in every environment. It's no different with children. The best way to be heard and acknowledged is to make eye contact and to do that properly, you need to kneel down.

It's also vital with children because it disarms some of the vulnerability they feel in being small and makes them much less likely to react with defensive stubbornness.

My body language communicates that rather than shouting down orders and threats from feet above your head, I am going to kneel down and lower my voice. It's a little more difficult for me but the results I reap in responsiveness make it worth the effort.

2: IF IT'S NOT A QUESTION, DON'T ASK IT AS ONE

This is one of the most common mistakes newbie parents and educators make. Dog trainers will tell you the key to obedience is tone and body language and not surprisingly, people also respond to these two factors first. If you're not offering a choice, it shouldn't sound like one. Many parents begin these conversations as if they are negotiations and then are surprised when they get an argument instead of compliance.

"Can you go get ready for bed, please?"

"No. I don't want to go to bed!"

You opened with a choice. You asked for a response. I'm not saying you should be distributing orders like a drill sergeant. But reserve offering choices for the things that really are negotiable.

You'll get more traction if you frame things this way.

"It's bedtime. Let's go put our pajamas on. Do you want to wear your monkey or superman pajamas?"

3: IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU

Although I'd say this is the most valuable advice, it's also the hardest to keep in mind and follow. You're in the middle of a mind blowing tantrum in the middle of the grocery store. You feel the heavy weight of judgement squarely on your shoulders with every averted eye as your child screams and froths at the mouth like a wild animal. You'll begin to squirm in embarrassment, worried that you should have compromised to avoid such a scene.

Take a deep breath. This isn't about you.

You set a boundary. You're following through. And you're not doing it for you. You're doing it for your kid. Because they need you to be in control. Their world is scary and chaotic and they experience powerful emotions that are overwhelming. It's hard to remember when they spit in your face or toss a giggle over their shoulder as they run shrieking down the aisle, headed for disaster. But none of this is personal. They aren't doing this because you did something wrong. They are acting on their impulses, taking the world for a test drive. This is not about you. You're job is simply to make sure they don't crash and burn. You need only to focus on what they need. Everything else is a distraction. Most of the time what they need is not another dose of sugar or another hour of TV. It's usually some healthy or safer choices they might fight tooth and nail. It's a struggle. You'll hate it. But perhaps repeating the mantra will help you find that extra bit of patience you need to get through. It's not about you.

I've found myself applying this last piece of advice in all sorts of unexpected ways over the years. Recently, my eight year old son was relaying his frustrations with a classmate who sits at his table, constantly nagging him about doing his work and following the classroom rules. He found it patronizing and obnoxious. This was part of a larger, ongoing conversation we'd been having about some social bullying he was encountering. I sympathized but I asked him an important question.

"Why do you think she needs to be so controlling?"

He blinked and paused, clearly stumped because he hadn't stopped to think about it from this perspective.

"Everybody has a reason why they react the way that they do. And almost always, it's not about you. You get angry and defensive when people call attention to your mistakes because you get embarrassed easily. What do you think this behavior is about for her?"

I practically saw the light bulb go off. He grinned. "She feels anxious because she likes to know what to expect. So she tries to control everything around her."

I nodded. "Yep. Maybe she comes from a house that feels a little chaotic. Maybe she has experienced a lot of change recently and she needs that to feel safe. It may also just be a part of her personality. Whatever the reason, it's really not about you. Do you think you could let her have that without getting upset about it since she seems to need it so much?" He agreed readily and he's rarely complained about it since.

When you change the focus of the interaction, it changes the power it has to affect you.

This is always difficult to do in highly emotional situations where one or more of the people involved feels threatened. But it's essential if we want to help each other grow and experience positive relationships. And it's especially powerful when it comes to parenting children and trying to help them navigate healthy boundaries for themselves. If it's not about me, then it gets to be about them and it frees me to do what's best instead of just making the best of the situation.

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It's Not About You